Sunday, March 21, 2010

Poor Plain Jane

People talk about the pressure girls feel to be beautiful these days. I'm convinced it's been like that since caveman times. Only the beauty standards change. Back in caveman times, Neanderthal girls stressed over not having a prominent brow ridge or enough body hair.
This article from the 1929 "Woman's Home Companion" magazine states that "Girls nowadays must be good looking." No beating around the bush or gray area there.
Luckily, most of the plain mothers of the day, even the sort of mother who has "sacrificed her own slim figure to a greedy appetite" were hopefully willing to do better by their child.
Thumb sucking should be strictly prohibited. "Many a girl has a mother to blame for a mouth that even lipstick can't love", because mom was lax with the thumb sucking.
"Adenoids should be taken out if the doctor prescribes it. They give a child that dumb, thick, uncomprehending look that puts her outside the company of those who seem quite bright." Ah yes, the anti dumb look surgery.
Luckily there was no need for rhinoplasty in the good old days, because baby noses are easily shaped by "judicious pinching and molding". But be careful how you blow that baby's nose. "Many god noses have been pulled entirely out of recognition by inexpertly handled handkerchiefs on children."
Dumbo ears can of course be easily fixed by taping them back.
Never forget that "children can be taught thatany ugliness of her body or clothing is an offense against good taste, and a defection from the ranks of those trying to make things more pleasant."
Sounds like striving to achieve Jennifer Aniston's body or a bigger set of breasts is a walk in the park compared to trying to be the perfect 1920s woman!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Texas Chainsaw Cake

Sometimes even though a dish probably tastes fine, it looks like it should be sitting on the grisly dinner table in a horror movie. This is one of those dishes.
I remember these spiced apple rings being used as a plate garnish in some restaurants when I was a little kid. My mom would yell in alarm “You’re not supposed to eat those!” Which is really odd now that I think about it. “Sorry mom, didn’t realize that this deadly poisonous thing was just a plate decoration.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Burn Baby Burn

“If you wish to attain a good, rich tan with a minimum of painful burn, spread Vaseline Jelly on the exposed parts before you sit out in the sun to bake”.
No wrinkles and melanoma here. The powerful zero SPF factor of Vaseline will certainly have you looking like the perfect Thanksgiving turkey in no time. Later in the ad it briefly mentions that if you REALLY don’t want to get sunburned, you should cover the exposed areas of your body with clothing.
The big selling point for me would have been “Vaseline Jelly won’t grow hair where nature doesn’t want it, and it won’t make you fat.” Can’t beat that for an advertising tag line!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Not So Special

The word “special” in a good old days recipe often indicates that something unappetizing this way comes. Pressed chicken doesn’t sound special at all. But it is a gelatin mold, so how can it go wrong! Gelatin, the ubiquitous green olives, mayo... Mmmm. It also calls for “relish or chow chow”. I really hope that chow chow was another form of relish, and not the furry, black tongued dog.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Strictly Stag

When the dudes get together, there’s no wimpy ambrosia salad. It’s meat all the way baby! There appears to be cherry tomato plants growing in front of the paneled walls on the buffet table. Perhaps it’s to denote the manly agrarian roots of these carnivores.
I can’t help feeling sorry for the hotdogs who appear to be holding on for dear life in that sea of beans. C’mon now, no one at this party is going to eat that salad, it’s strictly for show.
My favorite Stag party recipe is for “Backwoods Sandwich Loaf’. Slice a loaf of bread, and spread it with mayo, soft pimento cheese, tuna, sliced tomatoes, hard boiled eggs, deviled ham, and peanut butter. Doesn’t the peanut butter make it sound especially yummy? Whole lotta drinking went on to come up with that recipe.