Sunday, February 28, 2010

You Wouldn’t Care to Meet Marvin

At first glance, this seems a ridiculous statement. Who wouldn’t want to meet a guy like Marvin? No one can resist a suave guy with a tiny head who wears a bathrobe and smokes a pipe on the beach.
“Men thought him a great fellow - for a little while. Women grew romantic about him - until they knew. Poor Marvin, yearning for companionship and always denied it. People called him the Prince of Pariahs.”
Marvin’s problem wasn’t his tiny head, or his odd beachwear. He didn’t have leprosy, or ebola virus, or bird flu. Something far worse. Halitosis.
Luckily his problem was curable, thanks to Listerine. The best part of all is that Listerine is “so safe it may be used in any body cavity, yet so powerful it kills even the stubborn typhoid and pus germs in 15 seconds.”

Thursday, February 25, 2010

No Mr. Roarke!

Nothing more triumphant about being a teenager than getting groped by a gray haired man in a white tuxedo while you are simply trying to deliver a burger.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Smoke em if you got em

Because nothing enhances the tastebuds more than cigarette smoke, Benson & Hedges presents... I think that is a subliminal smoke ring above the pot, off to the right. Still bearing a hint of cigarette smoke smell from the past, this little book actually has some pretty decent recipes in it.
I picture this book’s original owner slaving away in the kitchen. This was no jello hotdog salad lady. If she was throwing a dinner party, she was going to bring her A game. Slicing and chopping, stirring and simmering, all the while a cigarette dangling from her lip, an occasional unseen ash becoming an integral part of the sauce.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Dolphin Weenies

This recipe is called “Saturday Night Special” in the “Pillsbury Busy Lady Bake Off Recipes” cookbook. With a tempting dish such as this one, Saturday night would indeed be special. I prefer to call it “Dolphin Weenies” as the cocktail wieners seem to be cavorting in the surf of potato salad and sauerkraut.
This recipe consists of a pie crust, cocktail franks, two 1 pound jars of potato salad, and sauerkraut. I’ll bet that even a busy man could have successfully executed this one.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Peek a Boo, I see you!

For awhile there seemed to be a trend of topping dishes with pimento stuffed green olives. Not necessarily because the flavors of the olives complimented the flavors of the ingredients in the recipe, but because the disembodied eyeball effect always makes for a festive meal.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Don't look Mr Ed!

“Friskies’ principal ingredient is lean red horse meat for meaty taste and energy giving protein”
No better ingredient than cuddly ponies to make dogs “gentle, friendly” and give them a “companionable disposition”.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

What to add, what to add....

The true downfall of many of the ever popular jello mold recipes often seemed to be that extra added ingredient. The recipe creator just felt that the recipe wasn’t truly complete until she added that one last special ingredient. That special ingredient tended to be a heaping portion of yuck.
This recipe calls for apple flavored gelatin, pineapple, maraschino cherries, walnuts. Okay, those things seem to go together acceptably. Why not stop there? No, we also need shredded carrots. Heading down a slippery slope, but still probably palatable enough to be choked down. Nope, it still needs something else. That one unusual ingredient to make it extra special. What would compliment the flavors of apple, cherry and walnut. Green peppers of course!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

We need meat!

A stand up freezer can be a great convenience, and a money saver. But for the love of God, how much ham can one family eat!??! That second shelf from the bottom has enough ham stuffed into it to feed an army.
Another ad in this same magazine promises to “Keep 18 pounds of meat fresh for a week!” I assume that vegetarianism was out of the question.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

I have a garden hose, hear me roar

I have decided to devote weekend posts to items which may not be strictly food/kitchen related, but that still provide us with an entertaining "good old days" slice of life.
Nothing quite says “I’m a modern, independent woman, I don’t need to depend on a man” than getting dressed up and walking off with the garden hose.Where is she going? Who knows. For a woman with her own garden hose, the world is her oyster.
Hopefully the "Easy! And will be for ten years" refers to the hose, and not the woman.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Circle O Rangers?

I understand the gingerbread cookie recipe, no problem there. But why the circle of "rangers" protecting a fruit salad? Does fruit salad need to be guarded? What happens if the protective circle is broken? I feel bad for the rangers. This assignment looks really tedious, especially since (based on their leg positioning) they appear to be suffering from hemorrhoids.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Thank You Darling!

Poor Anne was in a panic, fearing that making enough ice cream to feed her party guests would have the family in the poorhouse. Luckily, her adoring husband (who I’m sure was very involved with helping around the house and the kitchen as much as possible) was there to jump in and save the day.
“Stop your stewin’ Little Lady. I can show you a trick or two!”
“Darling you’re such a smart husband!”
Bill then explained to Anne how to use the jello ice cream powder, and she was eternally grateful for his superior cooking knowledge. Bet Bill got lucky that night!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Come Closer Hansel and Gretel...

A weary traveler has wandered from the path into the deep dark woods. The last sliver of the daylight is disappearing upon the western horizon. The traveler is hungry, cold and afraid. He’s heard rumors of evil creatures who lurk in these dark woods. He stumbles into a small clearing. It’s hard to make out in the gathering gloom, but there on the tree stump is a feast. Some of the items are not quite identifiable, such as the lump of creamy meat in the left, or the banana/bacon dish in the front, but the traveler is hungry. Sadly, this will be his last meal. He has taken the bait of the deep woods goblins....